...okay, so- this is a personal gripe of mine that a good friend happened to touch on yesterday. She was in a conversation with another stay-at-home (SAH) mom who found out that she (my friend) could no longer breastfeed her baby. Instead of listening and understanding my friend's reasons, the woman chided my friend and made her feel like a less-than-perfect mommy because her baby recieves formula, as opposed to breastmilk.
Really, fellow moms? Really?!
Motherhood is the hardest job in the world. Honestly. I have worked a fast-paced job for Congress in my "past" life; and seriously, the intensity level and 24-hour commitment to mommyhood FAR surpasses what I experienced in D.C. You tend to question and overanalyze every single little thing you do for and with your children from the moment they are born. You beat youself up for everything that you do that can or may somehow impact your children in the immediate and far future. We ask our spouses or partners, friends and parents for advice, always seeking to make sure that we can feel confident in our decisions.
You can't just send your child a memo explaining the day-to-day decisions that you make, like I could when I worked for Congress. It just doesn't work that way.
Motherhood is a sorority of sorts, with an initiation occurring at the moment of birth, when the baby is placed on your belly. When pregnant,you still feel the sense of responsibility; however, I specificially remember the feeling of overwhelming commitment to my babies once I could physically see, touch, and kiss them. We go to each other for affirmation and support; not judgment.
This blog is not about the importance of breastfeeding. Honestly, I would assume that most (if not everyone) agrees that "breast is best," and I would say that ninety percent of my friends have at least attempted to breastfeed their children for as long as they could. But, until you HAVE a baby or are IN a specific situation, you don't know how hard breastfeeding can be or how you can have complications, like mastitis. There are support networks; however, moms who do have problems can feel even more isolated (even WITH support from lactation consultants, etc.) when their probems go beyond the norms. I had a friend who literally went into postpartdom depression after she tried to breasfeed her baby for weeks with little success. She felt like she was a "lesser" mommy because she could not perform what was supposed to be a normal bodily and womanly function. She was even told that pumping was a less viable option because it reduced bonding time with her child.
I told her to find another consultant. Seriously. I have and do exclusively pump, and I can tell you, my kids and I have bonded just fine. Just THINKING about another mom telling me that my kids aren't as loved as theirs just because they breastfed from the boob makes me want to mentally shoot eye darts at them.
The same goes for any other "mommy" issue...unless it comes to safety. Then it's important to say something. Like if, at Stroller Strides, I notice a baby in its carrier that's not properly attached to the stroller. Then I have to say something because I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened. I look at that as a responsibility, and not an opinion.
Bottom line: Mommies, PLEASE support one another. Judgment and little comments can and really do affect each other. In a day where there is SO MUCH information "out there," it is super important to really listen to each other, and not just hear them and spit out your opinions without listening for the reasons of the other mommy. If you want to help them, LISTEN to them, and then THINK about how you would feel if you were in the other person's shoes. When it comes to "hot topic" issues, such as breastfeeding, please remember that EVERYONE has been inundated with information on the subject, and if someone has decided not to breastfeed, there may be a very viable reason for them to not have done so (in my friend's case, it was medical...seriously, she almost killed herself in attempting to breastfeed because she ended up with a massive infection...if anyone tried, it's her). Remember how it feels to have been judged as a mommy or parent, because everyone has been there.
No one is perfect. There are no perfect parents, because we are just human beings. We just have to support one another through these crazy things we call parenting and life, because you never know when you will be the one who will need the support.
